Time Flies When You’re Getting Fat
That picture above is from 2014. It seems like yesterday. That me sprung out of bed, she ran to the mailbox, she scheduled her errands around her runs which she loved. That me’s hair was thicker, her eyebrows were brown and I swear to God but I believe her teeth were straighter too. That me slept like a rock each and every night and woke with the sun never needing an alarm. That me had time alone and used it well. That me seemed to have longer and more fulfilled days. That me was a happy, healthy 36 year old who had lost about 65 pounds over the course of a year and was a newly minted 125 pound woman who was bursting with energy.
But 7 years has passed since that picture and I am fat again. I have gained back about 50 pounds. I catch myself saying “I used to be in great shape. I used to box, I tell people “I hike” but in reality its more of like a meander through the woods these last many years. Basically, I lie. I lie to myself and it’s so stupid because it’s me who washes my much larger underwear and me who can’t get the vision of the XL that is on the inside of my christmas gift leggings out of my head and me who feels the squeeze of my coat sleeve on my upper arms this winter and me who feels the shortness of breath when I run with my kids and carry the laundry up the stairs. It’s me who I am trying to lie to.
But I am calling bullshit on myself.
I find a lot of my sentences start with “I used to”. My weight piled back on somewhere around 2017. I know the reasons; stress, drastic change of schedule, huge increase of the time I spent in the car, loss of time for me, a big cut back on spending for classes I loved like boxing, eating in my car, eating at night, becoming sedentary, feeling so overwhelmed that I was paralyzed.
The thing is I had given myself a very big goal and that goal had a hard and fast deadline: I had to save up enough money and buy a house back in my old pre-divorce town where my kids attended school. To do this I needed to amp up my real estate business and increase my volume asap. So I traded my health for my bank account and I hit my goal, buying my house in summer of 2019. I am incredibly proud of what I accomplished, but I catch myself wondering if the cost of this home will end up being years off my life rather than just my savings.
This coming year I am going to try to do so something I have never been tried before, I am going to run a successful business and run a successful ME. I will meet my clients needs and hit my volume and revenue goals and I will also meet my lifestyle goals.
If I don’t commit to me now the years will pass even faster and in the blink of an eye that photo of me will be 10 years old. I know I may not get to that previous weight and that’s ok, my goal isn’t a number on a scale but more of a number on a clock. I am going to measure my success by the amount of time I have for me. That me time I will use to move, stretch, sweat, be present and feel my body as it is now rather than remembering what it used to be.
Those days when I was in the best shape of my life time moved slowly, I slept better, I enjoyed the little things. I had a blast with my kids. I LOVE those days. In the days when I was laser focused on my business so I could buy my house I put myself dead last. The days flew by, my sleep was shallow and more like a string of naps at night, I cooked faster, showered faster, drove faster, talked faster and there was never seemed to be enough time.
The funny thing is I know that by recommitting to me again I can slow down time. You see time flies when you’re getting fat and it slows down when you decide to spend time with yourself, attend to your needs and give your health the respect it deserves.
So here’s to rebalancing, recommitting and reaffirming that I am able to pay my bills and care for my body at the same time.